’ I said laughing. I helped him a little through the class, and when the bell rang I stood up waiting for something to say, but it wouldn’t come out of my shut lips. ‘ah, Ash.’ He said grabbing the back of his head. ‘Yes?’ I tried not to sound so intrigued. ‘this is quite embarrassing but, Could… You tutor me…?’ He asked smiling. It wasn’t really the question I’d hoped for but what the heck ‘Sure thing, When are you free?’ I asked twisting my fingers through my long brown hair. ‘Tomorrow, after school?’ He offered. ‘yeah, Sounds great.’ I said as I reached down into my bag, and wrote down my address and phone number. ‘see you tomorrow then.’ He said disappearing into the crowd of kids walking to their lockers. I just stood there for a minute to think about how beautiful he was. -------As the next day came I wanted to get school over and done with.When the end bell rang to go home, I raced my shadow home and ran upstairs to get changed and get ready.I threw on some tight black leggings. When I grabbed her wrists she struggled and kicked and tried to yank a hand free to hit me. "You bastard, you bastard, you bastard!" And then she collapsed against me and was crying on my chest, and my face was down next to hers and I was talking to her again."Don't leave. Stay. Please, stay. Please."I was crying too, and kissing her hair, and holding her up.We stood like that for several minutes. I don't know how long. She never struggled, never tried to get away. Her face was against my chest, her arms at my waist, my arms around her, my cheek on her hair, and we were swaying together. Our shadow against the wall in the yellow light was swaying along with us, looking warm and affectionate. Spots and trails of melted snow projected onto the wall and ceiling.And I was sick at heart.I was sick at heart because I was so weak. I had given her hope. I had to crush that hope. I had to hurt her all over again. At least maybe I could spare her the big hurt.Finally we separated, pulled back.
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